Wrapped in Maiz Leaves

This post is steering away from my usual "Hey Let's Fish Bowl..." I want to focus on the overwhelming emphasis on keeping the silence and the daily mask we wear tightly every morning as we wake up before we are off to work, school, dropping off the kids (if you have any), and just going out in general.

There is one thing I hate the most and it's when people say "Don't Cry" my answer is and excuse my language "Why the fuck should I not cry?" There is this constant insistence on concealment furthermore a criminalization of having a simple human emotion. At times so "taboo" that the only time most of us cry is at night on our beds in clandestine conditions where no one can see you and the suppressed thoughts your body yearns to profess to the person you love, the person you hate, the person who has made a difference in your life, the world is kept within the walls of your room.

"If only these walls could speak"--unknown

People cringe at the site of a serious almost emotional moment unless allowed to under the right conditions such as Ceremonies, Banquets, and Intimate shindigs; even then there are criteria for how you can cry. It is frightening to believe that we carry on our daily lives suppressing the one thing that makes us HUMAN BEINGS.

Dear Reader, We are "feelers" We feel, We Hurt, We Cry, We get Angry, We get Happy; WE GET EMOTIONAL. I will ask question because many will never dare to ask "Is there not something incredibly dangerous in not feeding our body those feelings?" It is the mode by which can be sane!

We must remind ourselves that suppression is a mechanism by which to keep us ON CHECK. This is not meant to be some pessimistic post, I am just critiquing the fact that we are constantly told not to be emotional because that would mean one is WEAK.

Best,
Bertii

P.S: Don't be wrapped up in MAIZ LEAVES, unwrap yourself and CRY, SCREAM, BE HAPPY....

Passing Down Tradition

Dear Reader,

I will be talking about tradition and passing (not the morbid one, but it could be). Last week, undergraduate housing had our Pass-Down Ceremony. I love working as an HA (RA, we don't like to think ourselves as that though). The experience this year was amazing because everyone on the AV Staff was the best!

My HA passed-down her home to me!

Anyways, I want to Fish Bowl my soulmate, my best friend, my third mom, my moral support, my shoulder to cry on, my LLAMA Buddy, my laughing buddy, my mentor, my classmate, my IV HA! I love you so much! I cannot believe that I will be continuing the great tradition, integrity, hard work, and truly your presence of community and family building in IV 1088!

I want to fish bowl you because you have been one of the biggest reasons why UCI became my new home to grow, experience, learn, experiment, and accomplish many things I never knew I would. You shaped me in so many ways and all I can say is I learned a lot of things from you because I looked up to you as my guidance.

I love you girl! IV will always be your home! :)

Best,
Bertii

"Change vs. Choice"

Change. A simple word but not simple at all. It is inevitable, unfixed, unstable, unexpected, and yet we find the strength to deal with change. Change is not always good but its not always bad. I remember before going off to UCI that I made a promise to myself that I would visit an individual that also played an important role in my development as a queer person of color. I rather not say his name but at least you know it is a male individual. I was in middle school and he was my classmate but besides that he was my first crush. We were the best of friends and quite inseparable that is until his buddies began giving him shit for being friends with the gay (fag, puto, marica, joto, etc.) kid at school. The constant bullying caused him to change. A change that taught me an important lesson of Choice vs. Change. It was his choice to hurt me, bully me, hate me, loathe me, love me, befriend, and change me. I also changed. I also caused a change in him. I do not blame him for his choice I probably would have done the same but I choose a difficult path but not the wrong one. I say confidently "not the wrong one". His mother choose to transfer him to another district because he began to affiliate himself within the gang culture of our streets. I want to say I got back at him the day he left but it is one of my greatest regrets. As he walked out of our 4th period class I followed him and his mother. Everyone else had also began to bustle out of the bungalow classrooms for lunch. The bungalows forced everyone to meet in the middle of the quad and then disperse. As the crowd began I tapped him and said in front of everyone "I like you and I don't care what anyone thinks thats just the way I feel". I cannot forget the look in eyes. I hurt him deeply because he had realized how much he had changed and for him to be him would be a long and difficult choice but it would not be the wrong one. I felt bad because I knew that he could not choose anymore. I met him after 8 years of thinking about what had happen to him. It was quite awkward. He was very surprised and detached to see me. I just told him that I was sorry for everything that happen in middle between us. He said the same. He told about a girlfriend he was going to marry and a baby girl he had. I wanted to believe him but as I left I looked into his eyes and I knew he was lying because he had the same look he had given me 8 years before.

Change is not simple but we have a Choice.

Thanks for reading I know it was long...

"Return of a old Friend"

If you have been keeping up. In my first post I "fish bowled" my teacher and well I think the mystics in the Universe read my post and answered my prayers. I originally contacted my old middle school about any information they could provide to me about my sixth grade teacher but no luck. I then remembered about an old friend that I was really close to in middle school. We took many of the same classes and I thought I should search on Facebook (FB) perhaps he has one. I finally found him and asked if he had any information on my teacher that played such an important role in my life. My friend told me that he had her on FB and I just finally jumped of joy after a whole year of searching. At the time I was in Burbank,Ca with a friend and getting ready to take the AMTRAK to Irvine (The Vine). I could not wait to write her a message so I spent the next two hours on the train to write her words I wanted to say for so long. I cried, I laughed, I smiled, and I felt happiness. I am pretty sure the people on the train must have thought I was crazy but it did not matter. I could finally reconnect with a person who played an important role in changing the course of my life. At times people cannot see how their kind words and actions can drastically change the life of another. It is sad at times because some of us including you never find out how the words given to others has caused and will cause change in the life of another. One piece of advice "Do not be afraid to be vulnerable and say what you want to say before you end thinking about what you wished you had said 30 years from now or 50 at that"

Best,
Bertii

P.S "Thanks for reading"

"The Simplest Gesture"

I make it a task in my daily life to brighten a person's day and I want to say 75% of the time I do. There are many ways in which I achieve that. A simple thank you card, a cupcake, a gift, a gift I made myself, a thoughtful praise, the possibilities are endless. Although all these things are quite thoughtful there is but one gift that has always astounded my heart to those I give it to and to those who graciously return it; the simplest gesture of a human smile. People say "a smile is contagious" and I like to think that they are right. It is but the one thing I can truly say can make a difference in the world no matter how many difficulties a person has encountered throughout their day. I can remember a recent incident in which school work, family issues, and at times stressful leadership roles really entangled my mind with deep thought of hopelessness and doubt of myself. As I rushed to finish my paper, I could find myself repeatedly thinking about those insecurities which always lead to believe that I am an "academic fraud" or what a counselor told me once the "Impostor Theory" (I'll explain that on a later post). I get to the point in which I question everything I have done as a student; academically and as a student leader. I question my own identity as a queer student of color. Amidst all the problems I face as a queer student of color it amazes me how a facial expression and in particular the smile warms my heart and grounds my mind from these issues. As I stood there thinking two of my co-workers pass by and say "Hi" with the best and yet simplest gift one can bestow on an individual; the smile which transcends a sense of hope, happiness, and that tomorrow there will be another smile by which will warm my heart of those difficulties in life one must persevere through.

Thank you...Staff and you know who you are

P.S (:

"My First Lesson"

I remember being in the sixth grade and "coming out" to my classmates through an exercise meant to exemplify what made me different and unique from everyone else. I know, what was I expecting? I obviously did not get the most welcoming reaction but nonetheless I made myself vulnerable for what would the six worst years of grade school (Not that I do not encounter the implications of queer issues currently, but I have learned to not dwell on the petty stuff) and yet they were the best six years because I learned what it meant to be "different" and that I was, I was different. I was so different that my sixth grade teacher, Ms. Salas, asked me to see her during my lunch break. I was scared and every second in my other class before lunch was torture. I knew that or at least I thought I had done wrong in saying what I felt was my truth. The walk to Ms. Salas class was unbearable but to my surprise Ms. Salas had bought some food for me and her to share. I can distinctly remember our conversation and the one piece of treasured advice she bestowed upon me and what I came understood as "Be as different as you want to be, don't be conventional; be unconventional: Alberto be Alberto" It is a characteristic that I have tried to hone throughout my life thus far and it works, it just works.

Dear Ms.Salas wherever you are, it is not much but this all I can offer you at the moment: THANK YOU FOR THE BEST SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE and the many more to come....